BooX

CH1: World Cup Crumb Championship

. . . Just as Tia turned to leave, one drop of red popsicle juice came crashing down right in front of Antonio. 

“Will he be tempted folks? Will he stop in time? Antonio walked right into it. NO, the crowd is in shock. He walked out. It’s too late his legs are stuck together, jerking them he tries to break free. Martin knows popsicle goo when he sees it. He is all too familiar with the sticky horrors that go on poolside. He goes around the sticky mess. He is going to make it to the chip first. What is this? He walked around it. He is circling the chip. The crowd is in shock. Doesn’t he see the chip? Is this some poolside ritual native to his land? No folks, he doesn’t sense the chip and Antonio is done cleaning his legs. He is making a beeline to the chip. Oh folks this commentator can’t take it anymore. It’s going to be close. Antonio is closing in and he grabs the chip. He got it. The crowd goes wild and Martin is still walking in circles. Antonio is the new WCCC champ. His family will be proud.”
“So who won this time?” Dad asks from underneath the car.
“Antonio Macavie of the area around the basketball pole. He has great stats,” replied Jack . . .

CH2: TGIT-Thank God It’s Tuesday

. . . The server came back with our food, more importantly a refill on my chocolate milk and my kid sized steak and shrimp.
“Hey Mom what do you call a cow with a twitch?” I asked forgetting I was mad at her.
“I don’t know,” was her reply.
”Beef jerky!”
The whole table laughed except my sister who lost her sense of humor at the age of nine.
”I got one. What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?” asked Dad.

There was a pause and then Dad bellowed out, ”Nacho cheese!”

I laughed so hard my chocolate milk came out my nose. This was great because I grossed out Tia at the same time . . .

CH3: Snot is Snot Gross

. . . I was going to make the best ever Grapeade. I poured in one packet of Grapeade at a time. I sniffed the wonderfully grapey scent that poofed up from the jug with every packet. Wow, there is no finer scent I thought as I took my twelfth big sniff. Now I had to decide how much sugar. Again one cup is not going to be enough because this is super Grapeade. All other drinks pale in comparison. I decided on two cups per packet. Twelve times two equals twenty-four so I need twenty-four cups of sugar. That is what my teacher calls mental math. I started putting the sugar in one cup at a time, then realized I didn’t have enough. I poured the rest of the bag in and figured it would just have to do. After all that there really wasn’t much room for water. I plopped a few ice cubes in and ran the tap water. A huge purple cloud poofed up from the jug. I sniffed again and let out a big sneeze. Looking for a tissue, I sneezed again. Grabbing a tissue I sneezed for the third time. I was filled with amazement. This can’t be I thought. It’s a miracle. How cool is this? I had purple snots. Man how awesome is this? I ran to my sister.
“Tia, Tia,” I screamed down the hall.
She came running out of her bedroom, “What are you insane? What is your problem?”
I showed her my snot rag, “Look, is this the coolest thing you ever saw, I was making...”
“Ewwwwww. Oh my gosh I can’t believe how gross you are. Mom, your son is being disgusting. Mommmmm, Jack you are so gross.”
I have to say I was shocked she had that reaction. I was sure she would share my enthusiasm over this very important scientific discovery. I just found my science project for the year. Why does sniffing Grapeade make you have purple snot and how does it effect our environment? The environment part will ensure me a first place most definitely . . .

CH4: Mushmelon is not School Approved

. . .  I opened my lunch and started eating my sandwich. Darnell looked intently at me and asked me what the green slices were.
“It’s mush melon,” I replied.
“Well I guess it wants to live up to its name.” He said with a semi devilish grin.
Not realizing what he meant or I would have protected my mush melon. He grabbed it out of my bag and with one fist he smashed it into oblivion. My mush melon was now mushed. ”How rude,” said Lillian who was sitting next to me. 

“Darnell get that thing out of here before I puke.” She put her arm around her lunch as if Darnell was going to attack it. Lillian was pretty funny for a girl and she was great at sports but at this moment she was not helping the situation at all. I gave her a go away girl look.

Then everyone started passing my mush melon around smashing it until it was just green goo. This would have been funnier if it had not started out as my lunch. Now they were throwing it back and forth and some of the goo started to leak. That is when Anthony over threw it and I tried my best for an interception. However, it hit Mrs. Davell, the lunch lady, in the back with enough force for it to completely open and slime her. This is going to get ugly I thought.
She turned around and saw me standing. Anthony had that cowering in the corner puppy dog look.
“Mr. Giovanni and Mr. Wolfe, you can finish your lunch with the principal.” she screeched. . . .

CH5: 3rd Graders are #1

. . . We all looked at each other. The thought of what our parents would do to us made everyone very quiet and no one was in the mood to talk plays anymore.
Of course my Mom has to show up first because I get the least few precious moments. She pulled up into the circular drive with a bit of a snicker. Not really the response I was fearing.
“Here you go honey, I didn’t happen to NOTICE what pants I was getting, just like you didn’t happen to NOTICE the massive amounts of mud you were slopping around in. I am sure they will fit.” She snickered again as she got into the car. This started to worry me. I took the bag from her and trudged into the bathroom to change out of my muddy clothes, which all of a sudden felt quite heavy. I grabbed the nearest stall and closed it, putting my head up against the cold metal. I heard some of the other guys coming in to change as well. I opened the bag and I knew there was a mistake. Inside the bag was a pair of pink pants with a sparkle heart embroidered on the knee. As I dug further there was a matching pink t-shirt with the same pink embroidered heart. There must be a mistake I thought. I’ll just go to the office and call her and clear this all up. My Mom must have grabbed the wrong bag. I was so wrapped up in my own dilemma that I did not hear the desperate groans of my friends. I walked out of the stall with pink pants and shirt in hand. I saw each one of my friends also with girl clothes, even Darnell who doesn’t even have a sister. I knew then this was no mistake. This was the evil plot of our parents to make us the laughing stocks of the school.
“Well guys we can go two ways with this. We can be humiliated in front of the entire school or we can make this work to our advantage. Who is with me?” I said to my horror stricken friends.
“Have you lost your mind? Has mud gotten into your brain and done permanent damage?” asked Darnell.
“Obviously, we can’t call home they did this to us on purpose,” replied Austin.

“Let’s just act like we are the ones playing the joke. What else are we going to do? We actually have no other choice unless someone can weave clothes from paper towel and toilet paper.” I said getting quite irritated at Darnell for not realizing the genius of my plan.
“Well I’ll do whatever. It’s not like we really have a choice,” said Jordan.
Everyone reluctantly said they were in. They put on yellow kitty shirts, purple striped pants and all the fufu clothes our parents had devilishly given us. When we were done one by one everyone started coming out of the stalls. We stopped and all eyes went to Darnell. He had on a pink and purple shirt that said, I am not acting like a princess, I am the princess. We all started cracking up.
I looked at them and the only thing I could say was, “Work it guys!” . . .

CH6: My Sister The Ping Pong Ball

. . .   I flopped on my bed realizing I was in it for the long haul. Staring at her she was an annoying sight. She was pacing the floor so quickly, I am sure she was wearing a path in the carpet. As she paced back and forth, arms flailing, slobber flying, she curiously turned into a ping pong ball. She literally did not become one. For the sake of my own sanity and so my head would not explode I pretended she was, if not purely for the entertainment value of it all. She paced to the right I squinted so that my depth perception lined her up perfectly with my right hand or rather my pretend ping pong paddle. She paced to the right with my one eye closed I aimed and WHACK she stopped completely unaware of my new game. She turned and stormed the other way. Good shot righty. Lefty was waiting. . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . another whack with my hand and the ping pong ball or rather my sister went the other way. My concentration was interrupted with her cackling voice. “What are you doing with your hands? You look like your having a convulsion. That’s just great now your going to start getting sick and not only will I have to take care of a baby but a sick brother on top of it, and another thing . . .” her voice trailed off. I had to concentrate or righty was going to miss the shot. Here she comes, steady, concentrate, the crowd was silent. Righty got into position and whack. Yes a beautiful whack just as she turns, still complaining. Lefty was waiting for her but oh what is this, the crowd goes wild she stops mid sentence and turns to go the other way. Lefty missed it but righty is in position and whack, perfect volley the crowd goes wild. Lefty takes another crack and yes folks it is good. Righty takes his stance and whack again back to lefty goes the sister but lefty misses again due to the sister flopping herself next to me on the bed. 

Irritated I yell at her. “Get off my bed.” . . .

CH7: No Duckies and Bunnies!

. . . My Mom handed my brother to Tia and she sat on the couch. Then Tia turned into the most annoying thing I have ever seen. She started dribling all this baby talk in the most annoying voice. I thought I was going to vomit. I started pretending I was dying and threw myself on the floor, pretending to choke. That is when it happened. I was not the only one gagging on her pathetic baby talk. My brother PUKED all over Tia. I jumped up from my choking position on the floor yelling, “YESSSSSS, that was so awesome!.”

My sister screeched hysterically, “Mom get it off, get it off, my new blue shirt, ohhhh it’s ruined, how disgusting, ohhhhhh, ewwww.”

“I am so not selling this kid ever. He is way to valuable. That was awesome, good boy,” I said.

Tia was screaming storming out of the room. Nana who had heard the commotion from the kitchen came running in and followed Tia to her room. Dad was now holding the baby snickering and Mom was yelling from the linen closet. Where are all my towels?”

I yelled back, “Try the dishwasher.”

I heard her say something as she came in the room to clarify the nonsense. “Did you say the dishwasher? . . .

CH8: The Tooth Fairy is Watching

. . .   When I got back Brandon was just finishing setting up for our diabolical plan. We all took our places including Bob. I waited for Brandon to give me the go ahead. He let out a caw-caw and I strolled into the backyard whistling. When all of a sudden a very psychotic rubber chicken named Bob started to attack me or rather swing aimlessly from the string we tied him to. I yelled very dramatically, “Oh why did I have to eat chicken nuggets for lunch. Bob my rubber chicken has gone crazy and is attacking me. Stop, stop, help! Someone who knows karate save me from this mad chicken. Help, help my life is flashing before my eyes. Ow,ow, help me, help me.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a swirl of color and someone yelling, “Waaaaaaaahhhhhh!” I turned a little too much to the right and the swirling colors turned a little too much to the left and then I heard a crack and a thump. The crack was me getting hit square in the mouth with a big ‘ol stinky foot and the thump was me hitting the ground. Then I saw some very cute little birdies chirping a lovely song and then everything went black. When I came to all I could taste was blood and dirt and I wanted my Mommy. “Owwww, howth manthy teeth felth out?.”. . .